How to be more confident

I would …if I had more confidence …

I cannot count how many times I have heard this phrase on asking someone the question ‘what is stopping you from reaching for what you want?’

Whether it's a new career, a promotion, even a relationship, the root of what gets in people’s way is often a lack of confidence.

So how do we get more of it?

It’s about trusting ourselves and keeping the commitments that we have made to ourselves.

In his infamous book ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,’ Stephen Covey tells a story of setting his alarm early to exercise – only to turn it off each day. This lack of commitment to self, destroys confidence. He then  decided to make the decision at bedtime and then follow through – getting up if he had made the commitment to self – acting with integrity. Achieving goals and keeping self-commitments builds self-trust and confidence. In addition, when we project personal strength of character, it inspires trust in us from others.

The second of Covey’s four cores of credibility is integrity. Being honest and standing for something, having no gap between your intention and your behaviour. Knowing your values and staying true to them, making and keeping commitments to yourself and to others. Any mismatch between what you think and say erodes credibility.

When a leader has feedback that they are ‘hard to follow’ it’s often this integrity gap that is creating the problem. White lies or spinning the truth might lead to short term gains, but openness and transparency builds good relationships that stand the test of time. We talk often about looking for the good in others with humility. However, when we are wanting to build self-confidence we have to look for the good in ourselves.

Being clear with others about your agenda and motivations allows others to see that we have good intent. Do you have others’ best interests in mind? Do you seek solutions that are a win for all?

To be seen as credible and competent we also have to deliver on what is being asked of us.

Do your skills, talents, knowledge and experience give you the capabilities to do what is being asked of you? If they don’t do you say so? Do you know your strengths and focus on using them?

A family doctor might have integrity and her motives might be good, but unless she’s trained and skilled to perform the task at hand (brain surgery for example) she’ll be lacking in credibility in that area. Capabilities also deal with our ability to establish, grow, extend, and restore trust.

Finally, to inspire confidence in others we have to take responsibility for results. Delivering outcomes not activities, making a sale rather than 5 sales calls. When we focus on who we are being more than what we are doing we inspire confidence from others.